September 2011 Horoscope 2011 - September 2011 Astrology 2011

Just yesterday, for the first time in my life, I saw a real live scorpion. It was smallish, about as long as half of your pinkie. The beast was blackish blown and cowering in the corner of a friend’s tennis court changing room. The au pair girl stood nearby with a large broomstick and fire in her eyes, How long the scorpion would have gone on cringing I will never know. Hermione, the girl in question, squashed it dead. It did not have time to sting itself. I had always imagined a scorpion as a sort of giant crablike combination lizard/hippopotamus/lobster snorting flames from a poisonous tail ready to strike at all times. The poor insignificant creature so readily squashed with a broom handle made me feel sorry for it, although I’m certain that had I found this same creepy-crawly in my bed or shoe, my heart would not have gone out to it.

The point here is that Scorpio people bear a very close resemblance to the scorpion in this story. At first they seem all shiny and cute and not too significant. They give the impression you could do them in with a toothpick. They are sensitive, retiring, reserved and mysterious. If you see Scorpios at a party or in public, you may hardly notice them at first. They don’t appear to pose a threat. But find a Scorpio in your bed, and right away you’ll start to notice how dangerous they can be.

It is said Scorpios are self-destructive, I don’t know many completely self-destructive Scorpios. In fact, with the exception of my cousin Phyllis, who is addicted to chocolate bars and hates real food (or all kinds of complex psychological reasons I won’t bore you with), and my old friend Gladys, who drinks rather more than she should, I only know positive, go-ahead Scorpios, And even my two “self-destructors” are busy bees, always doing things and making things happen around them.

One of my Scorpio friends is a famous food person in the United States. She’s made a million dollars a minute since she started a business a few years ago. She’s unbeatable. Another one is a lawyer. Every time I hear from him, he’s had another promotion. My brother John’s a Scorpio and practically owns the world. I know sculptors and photographers and chefs who are Scorpios. They are all in positions of authority and know how to take (and keep) responsibility.

The reason I defend Scorpios so heartily is that I am one. From the moment I knew I was Scorpio (about twenty-five years ago) I’ve heard people say awful things about my sign. Some say we are cruel. Some claim we are dictators. Others tell us we’re vengeful and attack only the weakest spot in others. In fact, it got so had at one point that whenever people asked me my sign and 1 answered, “Scorpio,” a look of horror would seep in from behind their eyes. From that moment on, they treated me with great deference, as though I were a hungry boa constrictor. “A Scorpio?” they would whisper reverently. Now, when people ask my sign, I say, “I am an inoffensive Scorpio.”

Because Scorpios have the reputation for being ultrasexy, I have also noticed that sexually insecure folks sometimes pipe up with “I have Scorpio rising” when they announce their astrological sign. It sounds so terrific to be a Scorpio. But let me tell you that just because Scorpios are sexy doesn’t mean they have more fun. Imagine all the tight spots being sexy gets you into. Think of all the people who end up hating or being hated by you. Try to conjure the responsibility of having to fulfill the sexbombshell image of Scorpio when you have a headache. Being a Scorpio is not all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s a lot of hard work.

Scorpions are definitely vengeful. And they are domineering and self-centered and, well, colorful, Scorpions like to see inside other people’s heads and then see how they can direct that person’s life. Scorpios are self-confident to a fault. They love the occult and crave mystery and intrigue. They are determined and impulsive.

Frankly, I think Scorpios are adorable. But I concede it’s a matter of opinion.

Reactions: